[FASTLARRY]

Why we don't play with caddies: The real reason, we would rather sit on our fat asses and ride than walk. I used Yo Sarah as my caddy when we played on Sunday. She drove the cart, rode to her ball, and then hit, and came over to me. I was usually 270 to 300 off the tee, so she would hit 2 or 3 times before she got up to me. I would look back and look at all the decapitated beheaded gofers she was leaving in her wake with those ground ball hummers. My God, the fairway looked like the beach on Iwo Jima, dead bodies everywhere.

2 things women are known for, every one has a rule book and knows it by heart and can quote you the violation you are now doing. You go, I am just trying to see if the ball is mine. She say, kicking it 10 yards out of the woods back into the fairway is a bit of a stretch?

The other one is, they will look for a lost ball till da cows come home. Her rule, was she could not look, she had to find it, and keep up with me, and if I got 100 yrds ahead of her, she had to drop a new ball, hit and move her bloomin arse. I would give her a new ball to replace the one she abandoned or she would still be back there looking.

And the best one is how she flunked arithmetic in school and developed amnesia. What did you have on that hole, she said a 7, I would go, let me see, 4 ground balls, 5 into the woods, lost ball, drop in place, 2 more into the sand, 3 to get out, 3 putt, how in the fook does that add up to 7. After a while, I just let her write down anything she wanted to and never looked.

I always played the gold pro back tees and she played the women's front tees of course. Being scratch I was usually 70 to 74, she was usually 105 to 110.

We would come up to this really tough par 3, which was 220 for me, over a lake and to clear a high lip bunker in front and 230 to the middle. I would pull a 1 iron out of my bag, and reach into the cart to get a brand new ball. I changed balls every 4 holes and then gave it to her to play with. I would last about 4 holes with her also and then it was long gone.

She would say, you cant use a brand new ball you might hit it into the water and lose it. I would say, what water. Mine would sail right on the green, my focus was only on the pin, that was all I could see.

Her shot was 120, and she would snake some range balls into her bag, and tee one of those bad boys up, and I would say, you can't do that, and she would say, nobody's watching, and all she could see was the water, and plunk plunk....

I walked and never sat in the cart. As a kid I was a caddy at a top CC, in a real caddy shack, before carts came in. They were first using motors with 3 wheels, noisy and easy to tilt. Then came the more stable 4 wheels that were electric and quiet. It was an economic thing that killed off the caddies, the club did not make money on them, but spent money to provide them, via the shack where they hung out, and am employee to organize and control them. All the money the caddies made, they kept.

Renting carts, all the money went to the club, and it became a new revenue. Then they ran the caddies off. So we went to the pool halls to hustle instead.

I loved the movie, because It caught life of a caddy at Bushwood so well. On the social pecking order, we were treated about one notch below the knee-gars working in the kitchen.

I was in high demand by the lawyers who played and hustled the rich doctors out of their loot. My mouthpiece never lost a ball, if he did, I dropped him a new one through the hole in my pants pocket and it slid down inside my pants leg, and I would declare it found. I got some really big tips with that one. If I found the doctors ball, I would just stand on it until he gave up and took the penalty. I should have became a lawyer, I was as crooked as one. Then I could have ran for office and became a politician and then really became a real crook.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=ZFGpgt4EC3I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHJ5nA4rFDA...feature=related

http://www.youtube.c...H6A&feature=fvw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hA3_rihmcg...feature=related



#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of
a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."