[FASTLARRY]

I used to have this tramau 2 or 3 times a week, I wake up, and where in the hell is my cell phone. Since it's turned off, you can't call it and hear it ring. The search begins, is it in my car, the pool room, by my bed, room by room I go. Those little suckers are hard to find. And now and then you are double fooked, you can't find your phone or your car keys. So my solution to this is to not turn it off at night, then when I wake up and can't remember where it is, I drop a dime and wait to hear the ring a dingie, then I track it down like a bird dawg.

When I am at my desk working during the day, I charge it up them. I sort of reverse the old process of charging at night. I have never lost a cell phone, but I did drop one in a hot tub in California, one in my toilet, ran 2 through the washing machine in my pants pocket, one I fell off a log into a creek with it in my pocket. Why can't they make these suckers water proof? I'd pay extra for one of those.

The worst one was I am headed out the door, put my car keys in my left hand, and Yo Sarah stops me, asks me to get her something, broke me out of my rhythm, then I went back to where I hang my keys, and they are not on the ring, and now I am doing this room by room search for them, frustrated I ask Yo Sarah to help as I am late for my appointment, then she spots my keys, still in my hand. And of course, she says, see, I told you that scotch would turn your brain into jell-0.

And there was a reason, God did not women having babies after they turned 49.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'