[FASTLARRY]

Email Education - funny
(Sad, even after everyone who forwards email reads this, they will continue to fwd fwd fwd!)

Dear Friends and Family, ding dongs and bozos. I know you want to save me.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past
year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. Sit on the stool, I would rather be strung up by my balls with a thin wire.

I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without
worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I could eat water mellon in a restaurant and not worry about offending some moolie?
Clean off corn on the cobb with my teeth like a hog in a pen, eat ribs with my fingers and smear goo all over my face and not worry if the paparazzi was taking pictures of me. I ate bacon for breakfast, steak for dinner, and did not know I was eating a fatal meal. Some body pass the A-1 sauce, what, can't use it, too much sodium in it? Now I have to act like and follow what Miss manners has to say. That old bitch aint been laid in 30 years.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. The remote has to be covered with com and Aids. I run all over the room spraying disinfectant on the phone, the door handles and I live in fear in this germ factory.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed. Easily 19 hos did 99 johns before I got there.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose, or playing with ones perter, (although cell phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. Enough to sink the fookin Titanic. Who took my Frito's away, I don't care they are 1000 calories per chip, I want my Frito's back.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom. And some Ebola disease will kill me dead as a rock.

I can't do shit no more.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope
that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. I used to love the extra crispy. I like my japs and chickens done the same way. I used to love going to Taco Bell, until I found out the Tacos were made with tripe. Pig guts?

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day. I put a water buffalo to shame. Try and stay down wind from me.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains and boil shit off my battery cables.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I always have my rod in my pocket with the hammer cocked and my commando knife in my boot.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I cant get a fookin cup of hot coffee in McDonald's because I will drop it and it will boil my nuts into mush.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS. I use to pick up 3 a day and get a free game of pool on a bar box.

I can't open my mail, some Arab could put anthrax inside. I have Yo Sarah open it.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me on the floor. Some gorgeous chick selling perfume, could then take me to her apt and turn me into her sex slave for the night.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies! Fook that Cheves and Chevron.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown
recluse and my hand will fall off. Mosquitos can bite my ass and give me west Nile, then I will be triple fooked.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 ; minutes, a large Pigeon with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and take a giant shit on your new toupee, and the fleas from a thousand camels will infest your armpits and pubic hair, causing you to grow a big hairy hump on your back. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . That poor fookers sex life is over. He got a job finally ringing the bell down at the Catholic Church.

My life was fine until you ass holes sent me all this shit, now my life is shit and I can no longer have any fun. I can't go out and get any poo say, or I will die from Aids or my willie will rot off from the Vietnam black VD, I can't drink scotch or I will die, I have to eat like Bugs fookin bunny now, who wants to live any more. Bring on WWWIII and the nukes, lets have some fun dodging bombs.

But it all has a rosy ending, some body in Nigeria, knows the general, and wants out and is sending me 17 million, I can keep 4, and launder the rest for him. I will be set for life, as soon as I give him my bank account information.

Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
their e-mail with their right hand on the mouse and their left hand blopping their baloney, while humming does your chewing gum lose its flavor.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

I remember life when there was no fookin internet. No shit, and most are going no fookin way dude, you had to come over on the fookin Mayflower. I had a web site up in 93, so I am not quite the dino I portray my self to be. Seriously, there was a time when life was quite, simple, nobody could get ahold of yo ass. You called me and it was understood I had two full days to call you back and that was considered acceptable. You could vanish for fookin days and nobody in the home office would know you were gone, until your expense account was mailed in.

Somebody would say, I thought he was in Nebraska, what is he doing in Oklahoma? Lets send him a letter and ask, it would take a week to get to me, I would take a week to answer it, it would take a week to get back to them. They send me some bitch and moan shit about how I am spending too much fookin money, they are getting wise all my hos, booze and golf is on there, yo, find it if you can, and I send the answer back, total lies and bull shit covering my ass with a bunch of old fuckers I have the goods on and can sell down the river, who will vouch I entertained them in a restaurant when we were actually in a ho house, and they get it a week later. This shit can go on fookin for years without a conclusion, all you have to do is keep stonewalling their asses. And the world, boogied on, just fine, no shit. No fookin cell phones, no fookin faxes, no fookin cpus. God how I miss those days.

Now every fookin ding dong with a fookin keyboard is on line, with an opinion, and a blog, and giving me shit. Great, 75% of the population are fookin morons, so now, I am in touch with all of them. I have attracted every weirdo crazy mf'er on the net, they follow me around, want to be like me, or kill me, most can't make up their minds, I tell them to flip a fookin coin and then get in line. No wonder I cant get nuttin done? I am surrounded by nitcompoops.

I am just, stuck in the middle, with you I guess.
clowns to the left of me, jokers on the right, right.
all I can see is eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I cant make no sense of it all, and I don't think I can take no mo. I am thinking of taking my fookin cpu, and key board out in the front yard and killing it with my double barrel 10 ga, my magnum African Elephant load, then putting it up on utube, and signing off, and going back to being a dino.
Try and find me then, right............Where is he, dude, nobody knows? He stepped on his blue tooth, flushed his blackberry, and gave his I phone to a homeless wino.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=OMAIsqvTh7g

That is my dream, that is my desire. Kill the fookin net, kill it dead as a duck, fire off both barrels and send that sob to hell, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
If I can kill just a little part of it, maybe it will begin a revolt of the dinos.