[FASTLARRY]

Five Iron right in da kisser

I called up da cops and said, I just killed my wife, Yo Sarah, come on over.

Two homicide dicks came runnin in the door and there I sat, with a Johnnie walker blue in one hand, and a 5 iron in the other, with blood dripping off of the end.

The dick said, you hit her in the head with the golf club.

I said, yes, she would not shut up, kept yappin and yappin and bitchin until I snapped, I just lost it big time.

The dick said, how many times did you hit her.

I said, 6 or 7, but put me down for a five.

[FASTLARRY]

Harry Da Horse

FL and Da Horse are out on a little road trip and FL calls up yo sarah on his cell phone saying I have some bad news for you. Harry Da Horse just kicked da bucket. Oh no yo sarah say, the lead poisoning he got from the last bank job did him in? No FL replied, he recovered from that and was feeling fine and on the 12th tee, he grabbed his chest and fell dead as a stone from a massive heart attack. Black tongue sticking out gurgling goo, its was awful to watch.

Poor Baby Yo sarah say, having to go through all of that. FL Say, you aint kiddin, I about never got that round in, it was hit the ball, drag harry, hit, drag harry, I'm popped. You know da code of da gang, we leave no hood behind.

[FASTLARRY]

"If I died, would you remarry?" Yo Sarah the wife, asked FL.

" Probably would," came the reply.

"And would you let her be your golfing partner?"

"Yes, I think so."

"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?"

"Oh no. She's left-handed."

[FASTLARRY]

"You're late teeing off, Bill."

"Yeah, well it being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see whether I should go to church or come to golf."

"But why so late?.

"Well, I had to toss twelve times."

" If you are going to throw a club,it is important to throw it ahead of you,down the fairway,so many golfers waste energy going back to pick it up." Tommy Bolt

"The hardest shot is a mashie at ninety yards from the green,where the ball has to be played against an oak tree,bounces back into the bunker,hits the rake,bounces on the green and rolls into the hole.That shot is so difficult I have only made it once." Zeppo Marx

Golf : "A game in which a ball one and a half inches in diameter is placed on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter.The object is to hit the small ball but not the larger." John Cunningham

To a pupil:"You've just one problem.You stand too close to the ball - after you hit it." Sam Snead

Real golfers don't cry when the miss their fourth put.

K. Hurwitz

"A wife always knows when her husband has a bad round.He has pond weed in his socks.

P.Brown

"Golf is a non-violent game played violently from within."

Bob Toski

"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators".

President Gerald Ford

If golf is a rich man's game, why are there so many poor players?

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being very good at it."

Jimmy Demaret

Advice to a pupil: Lay off for three weeks and then quit for good".

Sam Snead

"I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters."

Bob Hope