[FASTLARRY]

The secret to Golf happiness

Simply do not keep score.

Be like Chevy Chase on Caddy Shack, he never kept score either. Just go play, have fun, be happy. You begin the game and your first goal becomes to break 100. The bad news is for every goal you set and then obtain, you will just keep setting lower ones until it finally drives you fookin nuts. You break 100 and can’t wait till you get into the 90’s, easy, but 80 play is tough and getting into the high 70’s, that takes talent, serious practice and dedication.

75 to 85% of golfers never break 100. If you don’t believe that go out to any public course on the weekend, especially in Florida and look around, or watch women play. Millions of retired old people don’t have the strength to shoot low scores. Many just want to get out of the house and away from the old lady for the day. The put a cooler of beer on the back of the cart and it does not matter much what they shoot that day. Those are the happy contented ones.

Remember 55% of all golfers are seniors, women and juniors.
• The average 18-hole score on a full-size course is 97 for men and 114 for women. It`s an even 100 for all golfers. Only 6 percent of the men and 1 percent of the women say they break 80 regularly.
• When asked what they`d like to shoot, most golfers say they`d be satisfied if they could shoot 85 on an 18-hole regulation course on a regular basis.
• The average scores have changed very little over the years.

Less than 2% will shoot around par on a regular basis. Less than one half of one percent will shoot at scratch using a legitimate handicap system.

With a lot of lessons, money, the top expensive equipment, getting into the 70’s can be done but most stall out about a 7 or 8 handicap. Getting down to a 2 or better, which is always every ones dream, as you can see, the odds do not favor that. So do not make goals that are unrealistic and will only make you feel like a failure.

I pounded balls and practiced like a dog for a decade to hold a scratch handicap. When I turned 40, I backed off hitting so many balls and let it slide up to a 2. When I hit my late 40’s, I let it slide up to a 5 to 7. I could always hit 300 balls a day, play every day for a couple of weeks and bring it back down to scratch and I did a few times.

The more I backed off, the more I began to enjoy it more. It was no longer work, it once again became fun. When I turned 50, I began to consider what and why I was playing this game. Customer golf closed sales. The customer did not care what you shot, as long as you played any kind of decent game. I always went into the tank any way so he could win, so I could be playing high 80’s with them and be fine.

I was not a pro and I was not winning tour purses. It was not a living, it was a sport. I was trying to play like a pro, put in the same sacrifices, but I got nothing back from it, but a low score now and then. I was going through all that pain and expense just to have the ego trip to be a 2 and have a card that said that I could waive around if you did not believe me. No 2 can beat any good 15, so the handicap system was even working against me. The better you get, the lower your handicap, the less you win around your club. The higher handicap sandbags walk off with it all.

One day, I said, why, and I just decided to stop trying to hold that low number. I had been there, done that one, long enough I guess. Age was going to rob me of it soon anyway, so why wait. I quit keeping score. I cancelled my handicap card. I stopped playing in the club events. I became, Chevy Chase.

This becomes a problem for other people you play with because they are programmed to write down your score. I tell them not to and they do any way. What did you have on that hole they ask, 9 I said, they saw me do 3 and 3 they write down so they can turn it in on me. When they keep writing my score down, I begin 5 putting every green on them. I end up, driving them nuts.

When I no longer kept a score a new freedom came over me. All the pressure was off. Hell before, I would come in the clubhouse with a 74 or 75 and be pissed, furious for missing a couple of putts. Most people would kill for such a score, but for me it had to be 72 or better or I was unhappy. I was driving myself into unhappiness. Now and then I would shoot 69, nobody really gave a she-yit any way. The rest, did not believe me.

Now when I play I could care less where I hit it at. Sure, I want to play well, but I will no longer have to hit 250 balls a day to do that. If I hit 2 or 3 good shots in a round, I remember and savor them. The rest, I have learned how to forget and no longer allow them to affect me. My goal out there now is to have a great time and to totally enjoy myself in the sun.

If nobody is behind me and I miss the green, then I just drop another ball and hit it on, maybe 2 or 3, then one is stiff, I remember that, I am happy. The first one that went into the sand, I pick up, forget. In my mind, I made birdie, so every round, when I come in, mentally remembering the shots I made well, I now shoot 69 every round. Even if it might have been much higher than that, it no longer matters.

I guess what I am doing is called, fantasy golf. That’s OK, I have never been happier. I have done this a couple of times and I am getting ready one day to move into it. I call it invisible golf. I tee up an invisible ball, only I can see. I hit it 300 down the middle of the fairway. I swing all my regular clubs and I hit my invisible ball, only I can see. I choose a 7, and hit it stiff, do my AP move at the top, twirl the 7 coming down, stuff it in my bag, bow to the thunderous applause of the 30,000 fans. I tap my putt in for a birdie. I love doing this. Those damn pro v1’s are a bitch to lose costing $4, but I never lose my invisible ball.

I have to be careful or they will be hauling my ass off in a white straight jacket and stuff me in the rubber room. This is my idea of total golf happiness; I never miss a shot, and shoot 52 to 54 every round. How can this not be fun?
Do me a favor, just don’t call Shady Oaks CC and turn me in, OK? Don't tell them that Crazy Larry is out there playing with an invisible ball.

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