[FASTLARRY]

SCOTCH

“I never trust or hang around people who do not drink. Teetotalers look down their noses at people who drink, so you might as well do the same thing to them first. Most of them are bible beltin holy rollers and I try and avoid them like snakes. I never associate with people, who feel they are better than me, want to reform me or shove Jesus in my face. FL”

Medical science has now accepted that a moderate drinker will outlive a teetooler. So drinking is good for your health, prost. It makes me smarter and my wife better looking.

It is important for a young man to learn how to drink properly. You need to know, how to hold your liquor. Nobody respects a drunken fool in a bar.

Drinking in my era I came up in was a social must. You had to drink and smoke and if you did not, you were a giant poo say. The rat pack would walk out on stage with a martini in one hand and a lit cig in the other. People felt there was something wrong with you if you did not drink. When I went into sales they would usually have at least 2 interviews in a bar that went well into the late night just to ascertain I could hold my liquor. I would then be taking important clients out to lunch that would belt down 6 martinis and I would bring them back to their office drunk as a skunk. That era would change as we became more health conscious and when peanut head took away us writing off our 3 martini lunches. But during the 50’s and 60’s, it was one hell of a nonstop party the company paid for.
I was interviewed for my first job that held serious management duties after I was fresh out of college. I would be the GM, running the sales office, in charge of sales, and the 150,000 sq ft warehouse. I would control everything coming in and going out, $18,000,000 in sales a year, which was a lot of freight. Railroad cars and trucks arrived daily. I knew once I nutted that job, which I did, I could then do anything.
The interview was in a bar and the owner was a colonel from WWII. John was a war hero and a real John Wayne type guy. His close friend, he went to high school with, who came around now and then and we all went out drinking together was the movie star, and was the very cool laid back star of the hit TV series, Peter Gunn, Craig Stevens.
He explained to me he could not have his GM, drinking some Limey ladies drink around him and his pals. I did not drink much back then and usually sipped a few beers. I did not drink hard liquor and when I did it would be a Gin & tonic. He said I reminded him, of him, when he was my age, and I could have the job, only on one condition. I would learn how to drink scotch. I agreed. God that stuff was awful; it tasted to me like bad medicine. It took me months to get used to it. He told me it was like wine, it was an acquired taste, and to acquire it took some practice. He also taught me to drink blended and he liked J&B. Dewers and Johnny Walker was always popular. The entire idea of scotch is to take a dozen of single malts and blend them into a single whiskey with a particular taste.

You never ordered a scotch and water; you always called out your brand, which told people what kind of man you were. Scotch drinkers were the elite. You only drank single malt if you lived close to a single malt distillery and were buying the booze super cheap. If you could get into town, there you could buy the better blended. Later on in another era, some slick NYC marketing hustlers found they could import single malts in here dirt cheap, and sell the inferior whiskey to yuppies changing them 2 or 3 times more than what they were paying and make them think it’s better.

The same people who got the yuppies to pay double what they were paying for Budweiser beer and instead be cool and suck down Coronas which I view as goat piss. That shit is nothing but formaldehyde, die drinking it and you can go straight into the ground and bypass the funeral home. The only way you can drink it is shove a lime down in it and squeeze the juice out. Do that to a Bud, the king of beers, and you ruin it.
Just start drinking that very old single malt neat or on the rocks and in a few years it will do damage to your body.
So Yuppies who think they are smart, are in fact dumber than a moon rock when it comes to things like this. Charge the 2 or 3 times more, make it out like all the cool yuppies are doing them, and they will buy dog shit in a zip lock bag just so they can be cool too. Yuppies love to pay too much for stuff, the more expensive it is, the better they love it.

John taught me to always drink scotch with a full glass of water. He said never drink it neat, or even on the rocks. I saw people die over the years doing that when it ate a hole in their esopoghas and they bled to death in the meat wagon. Others ate the lining off their stomach wall and ended up only able to eat broth and crackers and had to drink their booze in milk.

John was right, in the last half century, I have drunk over 100,000 scotches and every year my liver and kidneys and stomach checks out normal. If you dilute it, it will not harm you. I think part of that success is due to my program where I stop drinking to rest and allow my liver to recover 4 times a year and 5 weeks out of the year no booze goes into me.
The key reason to drink scotch is you do not wake up with a hangover. You can get to work the next morning and perform. Mixed drinks, or wine and cognac will hang you over so bad you want to die when you awake. If you are in sales and drink a lot with customers you become a scotch drinker.

When WWII broke out in Europe we planned to sit it out. Johnnie wanted and did not want to wait for us, so he went up to Canada and joined the air force and learned to fly a spitfire. When Hitler began attacking Great Britain he volunteered to ship over and was in the Battle of Britain. Of the original group, only 7 survived. The mortality rate was impossible to accept. It was a virtual suicide mission if you kept going up each day. The battle began in Mid August 1940 and ended May 1941,
What saved Johnnie was when he was shot down he was out for 6 months. He did not have to go back up, but he did. He shot down more Jerries, then they got him again, broke both legs again, back to the hospital and it was all over by the time he got out. Most died in crashes like that being shot down. If you did not hit the silk few make it out of a ground crash and he did twice. He was lucky to survive.

That small corps of heroes probably saved our way of life as we now know it. Never in human history, did so many, owe so much, to so few. Jerries were in the air all day long and Johnnie soon became an ace, but when his spitfire was shot down and he broke both legs on impact. Pilots were so scare they shipped the injured up to Scotland and hid them in a hospital away from the bombing and attacks.
Johnnie said, the doctor would come by and say Laddie, we have very little morphine or pain medicine, but here is a bottle of fine scotch, 15 years old, just toss the cork over your shoulder as you won’t be needin it anymore, and when the bottle is empty, you won’t be feeling any pain any more. He said, every day, they put a fresh new bottle by his bed and that is how he learned to drink scotch. Churchill drank Johnny Walker Black label during the war, as did most of the Jap Generals. Japs have always loved scotch.
Johnnie returned to the USA after Pearl Harbor and joined our air force. After the war he was sent to Hollywood as a war hero and a consultant on war movies and propaganda the war Department was making at the time. If you ever seen me at a show, where I may dress up in a tux, I am not showing off wearing the white silk scarf. It’s a present from Johnnie, and I wear it to honor and remember him by. It’s the scarf the spitfire pilots wore into combat, and it has Am on the end, which is for air ministry.

I keep myself on a strict regimen, I never drink until 5PM, and I only get 4 scotches a night, carefully measured out, my daily allotment, for my weight, 270 lbs and years of drinking experience and tolerance, is medically right for me, where for a 105 lb woman, that might be two drinks. This is where the medical community has it all wrong, now much you can drink and be considered medically safe, should not have one limit for all, it should be by gender, age, weight, and what your drinking tolerance is. Mine used to be 6, but with age it’s gone down to 4. For Yo Sarah it is one.
The people is the south of Europe drink like fishes and live to be 90 and it’s the wine and booze they have discovered is the secret of their longevity.

Ask a doctor if you could drink, 100,000 scotches and still be alive, and he would tell you no, then ask him to explain me? They don’t have a clue, because they don’t drink?

The problem with the low end cheap scotches was they tasted poor and were watered down badly. You could see it in the white color. Then I found Smugglers, a dark color, and a 1.75ml bottle is $20.00. It costs more to drink beer than drink scotch now. A great scotch, with a great taste, at a great price. I stopped drinking Johnnie Walker red and went to it instead, and its half the price. This proves, I am not a yuppie. For years JW only sold red and black label, and the special inside stuff was just for those insiders that never got over here.

Scotch is like wine, if it has a screw metal cap, that’s the cheap stuff, and red and black label does have a metal cap, if it has a cork, that’s the good stuff, and all their finer labels does.
I drink my Smugglers every day and I am quite happy with it. I see no reason to blow 3 times more for Black label, when I like mine more. I spend $30 a week. If I was drinking Blue label, I would be spending $300 a week. If I was a very rich man and money meant nothing to me, I would do the blue. But being an ordinary guy, I keep on the cheap stuff and bring out the blue on special holidays.

I like cold scotch. I filter my water in ice trays. I filter water in a bottle, then put it in the freezer and I keep using it and adding water back in the bottle so it comes out frozen. I sometimes have to chip a hole in the top of the bottle through the ice to get at the water. After my pals get used to drinking ice scotch, you hate warm water from then on out.

A few times a year, Xmas, New Years, my birthday, I drop my quota and rules and blow out the pipes. I get knee knockin, commode huggin, crawlin to bed on hands and knees stinko Gods own drunk. I say home to do it, and sleep till noon the next day to recover from it. I always tell people I do that, but in reality I only get tight and never falling down drunk. My days of doing that ended in the mid 80's.

I keep in stock many fine expensive scotches, like a $500 bottle of 30 year old Ballentines, which I think sucks royal dick, along with their 17. It’s a blend not for me. And Royal Salute is a nice 21, but the 12 lacks what I like, so the Chevis is too smoky for me. Keep in mind, this is my taste buds and you may like what I hate.

So I begin at the top of my bar, and work down. Knowing as you drink, you kill your taste buds and soon all feeling in your limbs, so when I have finally worked down to red label, my ability to taste and judge anything has been seriously compromised.
I begin with JW blue label, they won’t put an age on it, but it’s rumored its 60. I don’t do neat, and I commit an act of sacrilege, I drop a single ice cube in the on the rocks glass in the warm 1.7 ozs of booze I call the nectar of the Gods. Before the ice can melt and change anything I take the first small pull, hold it on my tongue for several long seconds and then I swallow it. I am hit with a cascade of sensations, they flood in, in fast ripple effect, and I know why this is the ultimate scotch drinking experience. Nothing on Earth is equal to this. I am simply, blown away by it. I think you have to be a serious scotch conosieur
to experience this full effect. If you are not, then don’t spent $230 a bottle, you won’t get anything out of it.
When the Baron Lefeit send out one of his last bottles of 1827 wine, to Nikita, which was his custom when any new powerful head of state took over to send to him the rarest wine left on earth, it was said he cried saying what a waste this is to have this pig sit down and get drunk on it, he would probably enjoy a bottle of ripple just as much.

I am not trying to pull a snob on you, but if you don’t understand it, don’t blow a lot of money on it.
Then I do a 2nd pull, and hold it on my tongue as long as possible, then swallow it, and the 2nd effect is different. I then sip it very slowly, taking a very small amount each time, holding it in my mouth, savoring it, milking it out for as long as I can. $13 a shot, and it is worth every penny. The experience alone is worth $130.

And what is so scary is they have one above this, $750 a bottle they only sell to insiders, which I have to get a hold of before I die. After the ultimate drinking experience on earth is over and my glass is empty, I pop the cork on the 18 yr old gold label. All I get from it, is strong. I think it’s lousy, overrated and very badly overpriced. Another Yuppie trap.
Next I open the bottle of swing, yes, a screw cap, but don’t let that one fool you. It’s hard to find, but it’s on the net at about $79, and I think it’s one of the best blends ever, which they tell me averages between 15 and 20 yrs old. The bottle rocks for steamships in a storm and will not tip over. I love it. It has mostly been sold overseas over the years and you found it in free duty shops. It has always been my favorite drinking scotch for 30 years.
Green label is new. You can find it in top liquor stores or on the net for $65. It is fantastic. Absolutely top end blends of only the finest top end single malts. Why pay $100 for gold label, or $80 on the net, when IMHO, the green is totally superior to it. It blows me away.

I only consider JW to have two high end products I would buy, Blue and Green label.
Next I do a 15 yr old Pinch, and I have always considered the 12 yr old pinch or dimple to be totally superior to the JW black.
After drinking the Green label and pinch, when I hit the black and red labels, they are watered down crap, compared to the mountain I just climbed down from. It’s a bad shock to know, how bad they really are, compared to how good the green is.

When I have my first scotch of the evening at 5pm, I always do a toast to Johnnie, and all his other young brave lads, I think back to the Battle of Britain on August 20, 1940, when it was said by a real scotch drinking drunk: Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few,

My scotch drinking sampling is over with 7 drinks, which is 1 over my outer limit of 6 I know not to exceed, and one under my limit of 8 of which I get drunk going beyond there. I walk to bed without help, and lay down on my dawn pillow and on my high tech micro foam mattress and close my eyes dreaming of the blue label experience. I allow the scotch to do its job and slowly take me over and send me into a deep sleep. My Jack Russell nudges under the covers and hugs up to the inside of the back of my legs, warming them like a hot water bottle. All is right with the world. I have no worries, no problems and no pain. Stick a fork in me now, I would not feel it, I am done.


“Moderation sir, aye, moderation is my rule.
Nine or ten is reasonable refreshment,
but after that it’s apt to degenerate
into drinking”

An Old Highland Saying

Cha deoch-slàint, i gun a tràghadh.

The reason Golf which was invented in Scotland has 18 holes, is a bottle only has 18 pulls out of it. You tee off, have a little jolt on each hole, and when the bottle is done Laddie, its time to quit and go home. Drink any more than 18 and you could not walk home, youd be a crawlin home.

http://video.google....435540043947603

I drink because it makes people more interesting and my wife better looking. It aint easy being me. The problem is I get no respect, tug on tie. I really didn’t say everything I said. I take the 5th on all of it. That’s my story and I’m stickin to it. Don’t even think of suing me. My mouthpiece Louie Da Lip will plead insanity, have me take da 5th, then show I have dementia, Senility, Mental Illness, emotional disability, cognitive dysfunction, psychological disorders, brain damage as a child, Alien abduction and RSB long term abuse plus Alzheimer’s disease. I got a bad bottle of Blue Agave and have not been right since I ate the worm in the bottle.

Quotes from FL. Exercise is not cracked up to be what it really is. If God intended for me to be able to touch my toes he would have put my toes where my knees are now. To prevent sagging when you get old just eat more and it fills out the wrinkles. The trouble with jogging is the ice falls out of my scotch glass. If I knew I was going to live this long I would have shot myself 15 years ago. Why not drink and be happy, do you think you are going to live forever. Since we are all going to die, then drink and be happy while dying. I am not afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. I would rather be in Philadelphia.

When you are riding it home, can see the finish line, don't spit da bit. Begin beating the ass with your riding whip and yell out like Tarzan C’est si bon, si bon, si bon, who's yo daddy. When she screams FL, don't take it too hard, life goes on. C’est La Vie.

Be sure to take the time, to smell the flowers along the way. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. Wander in wonder of life and follow La Vie Dansante. As my grand master said and I quote as a loyal parrot head, why don’t we get drunk and screw?

I am on my new Whiskey diet this week and I have already lost three days?
It took me years to learn how to beat and avoid hangovers, just stay drunk and don’t sober up. Never act your age, stay young forever. FL is 29; he plans to stay 29 forever. His kids are now older than he is and do not understand him at all. In 5 more years his grand children will be older than him. Fl says, when you begin to act your age, it’s all over for you. The number one cause of death in old people is retirement and boredom. You must always have a hobby or a job, a project or a hottie your old lady does not know about on the side to keep you alive and on earth with a purpose. I want to die while I am living rather than live while I am dying. I stole that one from a Buffet song.

"When we see clearly, the great teachings are the same." eighteenth-century Japanese Zen poet Ryokan, All the great teachers in pool and there are very few, end up teaching the same things. Fast Rarry right, best to get drunk and screw, ah so.

ALCOHOL and DRINKING
By W.C. Fields

"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."
(From "The Temperance Lecture")
"How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter."

"Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got."

"Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth."

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar."

"Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!"
(Fields' response after someone "spiked" his drink with fruit juice.)


Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?"
WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."
(From the radio sketch, "Father's Day")
"I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."

"I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach."

"Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water."

"Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk."
("The Temperance Lecture")
"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch..."
(From the film, You Can't Cheat an Honest Man.)
"I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve."

"I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m."

(Fields gave this rationale for not drinking water:)
"Fish f*ck in it."

(Fields, who never got falling-down drunk, explained why:)
"When you woo a wet goddess, there's no use falling at her feet."

"Sorry my fine public servants, but I haven't enough of this nectar to pass about willy nilly."
(Fields' comment to policemen who'd pulled him over on suspicion of drunk driving)

(After a Universal executive wondered aloud if Fields drank all the time, the enraged comedian retorted:)
"I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know."

(In response to a waiter who'd offered him a "Bromo Seltzer" for a hangover, Fields said:)
"Ye Gods, no! I couldn't stand the noise."
(
"A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her."
(Quoted in: Hollywood Merry-Go-Round by Andrew Hecht, 1947, Grosset & Dunlap, NY.)
(NOTE: There are countless variations of this quote in numerous publications. Another one goes: "Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her."
(Also:)
"I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that's the one thing I'm indebted to her for."
(Never Give a Sucker an Even Break)
"I take inordinate pride in my nose. Indeed, I have treatment done on it every day" (At this point, Fields is handed a glass and lifts it.) "My daily treatment."

"I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky."
(Note: Adjusted for inflation, that's probably about $1 million, not to mention that Fields consumed vastly more gin in his favorite drink, the martini.)
(Newsweek, Jan. 6, 1947.)
Ernest Hemmingway said he estimated he pissed down $500,000 in his bars urinal. He later bought it and brought it home. FL calculates he pissed down the toilet also a half million dollars, 100,000 scotches at $5.00 each. FL said, it was the best half million I ever spent, I blew that same amount of broads and only got grief out of it.
"My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."

"I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
(In Corey Ford's Time of Laughter)
"It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors."

"Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink."
(My Little Chickadee.)
(Fields overhears a secretary talking to a friend over the phone:)
Secretary: "Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey."
WC (an aside): "Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?"
(Never Give a Sucker an Even Break)
"During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days."
(My Little Chickadee)
"I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night."
(Fields on "the morning after" in My Little Chickadee)
(Fields with a hangover:) "The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache..."
(He sits up in his pajamas, stretches, and continues:)
"...the art of arising, the morning after."
(My Little Chickadee)
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
(Newsweek, January 6, 1947)
(Fields picked up a hitchhiker, who preceded to give his "number four" lecture on the evils of drink. Fields kicked his hide into a ditch, and tossed a bottle of gin at him.)
WC: "There's my Number Three, called, 'How to Keep Warm in a Ditch.'"

(When informed that plaster from his dilapidated ceiling had fallen into his martini, Fields panicked:)
"Don't just stand there. Phone the plasterer. Tell him to get right over here--and to hurry, so we can avoid another horrendous tragedy."
A guest was at Fields home which was a large mansion and he ran out of gin. He went up to the attic to get a new supply and the guest saw it was full of cases from one end to another. When asked why he had so much Fields replied, right now I am flush, but things could change and I could become down and out, but I will never run out of hootch as I have stockpiled a lifetime supply. When he died, they counted over 60,000 bottles up there.


In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. That's where we get the phrase, mind your P's and Q's.

During the reign of William III, Edward Russell, Captain general of the English forces threw an extravagant party using the garden fountain as a giant punch bowl. He filled it with 560 gallons of brandy, 20 gallons of lime juice, 1,300 pounds of sugar and 5 pounds of nutmeg. The bartender filled a small boat with punch cups and rowed around filling up the punch cups for the awed guests.

During the American prohibition bootleggers carrying moonshine would soop up their car engines in order to outrun the police. After prohibition these country boys raced each other on country roads for the fun of it. These were the humble off-shoot beginnings of NASCAR. A legendary moonshiner by the name of Junior Johnson was one of NASCAR's first drivers.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. Wet your whistle is the phrase inspired by this practice.

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase Rule of Thumb.

A raisin dropped in a fresh glass of soda will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.



The longest bar in the world is at the New Bulldog in Rock Island, Illinois. It’s length measures 684 feet.


Whiskey is the international aviation word used to represent the letter w.

Reno, NV has the highest rate of alcoholism in the US; Provo, UT has the lowest because Mormons don’t drink...New Orleans has the most DUI’s.

It's said that the celebration party for the 55 drafters of the US Constitution was stocked with 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, 8 bottles of whiskey, 22 bottles of port, 8 bottles of hard cider, 12 beers and seven large bowls of punch.


Belgium has more brands than any other nation on Earth. They have 400 different brands of beer.

The average number of grapes it takes to make a bottle of wine is 600.

Worldwide, approximately 20,000 brands of beer are brewed in 180 styles.

In the 1600's thermometers were filled with brandy instead of mercury.

If you stacked 12 billion Budweiser longneck bottles end to end it would reach 1.7 million miles, or to the moon and back three times.

Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.

Over 19 million adults drink wine at least once a week.

Approximately 200 million barrels of beer were sold in the year 2000.

In the 1800's liquor was a Beautician's secret! Yes, rum was considered an excellent product for cleaning hair and keeping it healthy, and brandy was believed to strengthen the hair roots.

No alcohol beverage can be over 190% proof (95% alcohol). Because at any higher proof, the beverage will draw moisture from the air and self-dilute.

In Medieval times, an alcohol beverage was often served with the English's breakfast.
Walt Disney woke up and brushed his teeth with scotch, and drank it all day long. Harry Truman woke up at 5am, threw down a shot of burbon by his bed, got dressed, tossed down a 2nd shot and went out and fast walked 5 miles. FDR drank large amounts of martinis until his heart went bad and he had to cut back. Churchill drank between 1 and 2 quarts of Scotch and cognac a day, same on Stalin, on vodka. All the WWII leaders, were drunks.

Old U.S. laws required that alcohol containers be concealed in public by being placed in paper bags or packages by liquor stores. This gave us the names package stores that sell package goods.

The actual term for the fear of alcohol is methyphobia.

The term for an abnormal or insatiable craving for alcohol is dipsomania.

All fruit juices, and many vegetables, contain alcohol.

English inns were once required to pay a tax known as a scot. Customers who left town to drink in rural taverns were said to be drinking scot free.

When consumed with boiled or pickled eggs, beer sometimes causes a malfunction of the olfactory senses.

The oldest recipe for beer in Europe was found in the ruins of the Spanish village of Geno, and dates back more than 3,000 years.

Hippocrates recommended prescribing beer for its tranquilizing properties and because it quenches thirst, eases speech, and strengthens the heart and gums. (At least, he thought so!)


Emperor Carlos V was the first beer importer, and one of its most illustrious aficionados. It is said that, even in his retirement in Yuste, he kept a Flemish brewer in his reduced entourage.

Chatbir Zoo in Punjab State, India, serves brandy to its bears to keep them warm in the winter.

In Kentucky, you are considered sober until you cannot hold onto the ground. (Can you imagine the DUI tests in that state?)

In the mid 1970s, Australians were the third biggest per capita beer drinkers, after Germans and Belgians. In the 1990s, though, they weren't even in the top ten!

The tune of The Star Spangled Banner was derived from Anacreon, a British drinking song.

John Wagner, who had a small brewery in back of his house on St. John Street in Philadelphia, brewed the first lager in the United States. He brought the first lager yeast to the US from a brewery Bavaria.

Beer is great for controlling slugs in your garden! You can make a slug trap by pouring 2-5 cm of beer in cottage cheese, margarine, or other similar containers and placing them near plants prone to slug damage with the rims 3 cm above the surface of the soil. (No word on what brand of beer that slugs prefer, though.)

Here's to your health: Both red wine and dark beer are rich in flavonoids, which are believed to have a positive effect on blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Here's to your health!

We already know red wine may protect your heart. But a recent study by a Harvard pathologist showed that resveratrol, an antioxidant in red wine, may increase the lifespan of yeast cells. It significantly lengthens the lives of fruit flies, too. Will it work in humans?
Beer glasses are by far the most common weapon of assault in Britain according to Jonathan Shepherd, a surgeon at University of Wales College of Medicine and an expert on alcohol-related assault.

The strongest alcohol is Estonian liquor distilled from potatoes at 98% alcohol.
Alcohol features in almost a third of all UK divorce petitions, which means that the drinking habits of one or both partners have contributed to the bust up.

9 people die every week on UK roads in drink related accidents half of them innocent victims.

Alcohol is believed to feature as reason behind 25% of school exclusions in the UK.

$200 million is spent each year on alcohol advertising.

Alcohol-related absenteeism and poor work performance costs British industry more than £2 billion a year.

Researchers have determined that 1 acre of potatoes can yield 1,200 gallons of ethyl alcohol in a year.

Recent reports suggest that almost 50% of all British teenagers know how to buy alcohol that has been smuggled into the country.

In olden times, saloons offered free lunches, most of which were overly salted, forcing the thirsty diner to buy an alcoholic drink. Many bars now offer peanuts and salty snacks for the same reason.

34% of men drink and drive compared with 23% of women.
39% of pedestrians who were killed in traffic accidents had drunk more than the legal limit for driving.

A traditional drink found throughout Andean countries is chicha, made from fermented maize or rice. The fermentation process is augmented by human saliva. Chicha makers chew the ingredients and spit them back in the pot to brew.

Even below the legal limit, young drivers are five times more likely to have an accident than if they haven't been drinking.

In 1994, 57900 people were found guilty or cautioned for offences of drunkenness. The peak age of offenders was 18.

13000 violent incidents take place outside UK bars, pubs or licensed premises every week - most are alcohol related.


In the 1500’s lead cups were used to drink ale. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days and people would take them for dead then prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up; hence the custom of holding a wake. People realized they had been burying people alive when some coffins were dug up and scratch marks were found inside, so they tied a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin, up through the ground, and tied it to a bell. It was actually someone’s job to sit out in the graveyard all night on the graveyard shift to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.







Scottish Drinking Jokes
Sandy was sitting at the bar drinking double whiskies in one gulp as fast as the barman could put them in front of him. He eventually explained that it was the only way he could drink them after a terrible accident. "What sort of accident?" asked the barman. "Terrible," said Sandy. "I knocked one over with my elbow."
Angus's long-suffering wife was fed up with her husband's unfortunate fondness of a not-so-wee dram. Most evenings he would roll home from the pub considerably the worse for wear. His wife resolved to cure him. Late one Samhain, she put a bedsheet over her head, hid behind the bushes at the front door of their croft, and waited for her wayward hubby to come home. Eventually Angus staggered up the path. His wife, in disguise, jumped out from behind the bushes, and cried out, "Angus! I'm the Devil! And I've come to warn ye ." "The Devil, you say?" Angus interrupted. "Then ye must come in and have a dram wi' me, kinsman. I do believe as I'm married to your sister!"
The two old Scots had imbibed overmuch. Saying his good-night, the one told the other: "John, man, when ye gang oot at the door, ye'll see twa cabs. Tak' the first yin - t'ither ane's no' there! "
When a tradesman finishes a job at a house in Scotland, it is an old custom to offer him a wee drink. "Would you like a wee dram," the lady-of-the-house asked a joiner. "A wouldna' say No," he replied. The lady produced the bottle. "How do you like it, Sandy?" she asked. He replied: "Half whisky and half water. An' pit in plenty o' water."
Dr MacGregor checked over his patient and said with a puzzled frown, "I can't really tell what the trouble is. I think it must be due to drink." Willie said, understandingly, "Ach, that's all right doctor. I'll come back when you're sober."
"Alcohol is your trouble," said the sheriff to the drunk. "Alcohol alone is responsible for your present predicament." The drunk looked pleased as he said "Yer lairdship's maist kind. A'body else says it's ma ain fault!"
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only twopence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied, "They're waiting for the Happy Hour".
A Scotsman had been presented with a bottle of fine old Scotch whisky which he placed in his overcoat pocket. On his way home he fell, and as he got up he felt a wet patch on his trousers. "Please, Lord," he prayed,"let that just be blood!"
Two Scotsmen bought a bottle of bootleg whisky for a pound and it was the vilest brew they had ever tasted. "I'll be very glad," said one to the other, "when we finish this bottle."
It had been a bitterly cold day on the Scottish golf course and the caddie was expecting a handsome tip from his weathy client. As they came to the clubhouse the caddie heard the magic words, "This is for a hot glass of whisky!" Holding out his hand, he was given a sugar cube.
Forecasters were puzzled recently when the entire population of Glasgow ran out onto the streets with glass in hand after an announcement that there was a nip in the air.

________________________________________
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him???"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

Welcome to Manly Jokes for Manly Men.

________________________________________
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar one afternoon. One of the car salesmen complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing ass!"
Too late, the man noticed a gorgeous blonde woman, sitting just two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
That's okay, I understand," the blonde replied. "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing car!"

Welcome to Manly Jokes for Manly Men.

________________________________________
Two old drunks were really lapping them up at a bar one night.
The first old drunk said, "Ya know, when I was thirty years old and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was fourty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard."
The first drunk continued, "By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage."
He continued, "I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."
Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
________________________________________
Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.




Traditionally, New York and San Francisco are the two biggest scotch-drinking towns. New Yorkers have always been big fans of blended scotch whereas San Franciscans seem to prefer the malt versions. In between lays Las Vegas, where people from both coasts come to play, so both traditions are strong. The draw for scotch drinkers is quality, the best of the best. So when it comes to scotch, that means showing the colors of Johnnie Walker, the undisputed champions in a very tough division: Red, Black, Gold, Blue and Green!

The Origins of the Big Brands
In 1819, Granddaddy John Walker was a grocer in the town of Kilmarnock in Ayrshire, Scotland (where Johnnie Walker is bottled today). And you ask what a grocery has to do with scotch? Well, let me name a few other grocers: John Dewar’s grocery opened in Perth in 1846; George Ballantine started a grocery and wine shop in Edinburgh in 1827; and James Chivas operated a very successful general store in Aberdeen beginning in 1841, to be joined by his brother John in 1857. (The brothers started blending scotch in the 1850s, although not under the Chivas label; that would come many years later.)
At the time, scotch was a drink made for the local community so I’ve got to think the men were happy to do the grocery shopping in 19th century Scotland! These grocers were the fathers and grandfathers of the men who would market and sell a new kind of whisky that would appeal to a larger audience at the end of the 19th century: blended scotch whisky.
Until the middle of the 19th century, scotch had an audience that was limited to local communities in the counties of Scotland and with good reason; the whisky was rustic, to say the least. In those days, whisky makers were not buying oak barrels from Spain or the United States to age their whisky and create special nuances as they do today. The product then was moonshine or just one step up from moonshine, even when it was legalized.
However, the invention of the continuous still in the 1820s marked the advent of a new distilling technology, which would have a tremendous worldwide impact on scotch whisky and spirits. This new technology enabled distillers to produce a light and fruity grain whisky at high proof with much lower overhead costs.

Blended Scotches
The first blended scotch on the block was a vatted malt produced by Andrew Usher in 1853 called OVG—Old Vatted Glenlivet. Yes, the same 18-year-old Glenlivet of single malt fame today that makes one’s mouth water just to think of it. The term “vatted malt,” though now out of favor, referred to a whisky that was made by blending barrels of single malt scotch from several different distilleries to add richness and complexity to the whisky. However, the blended malt whisky is certainly not out of favor, in fact blended malts (as we are now instructed to refer to them) are making a comeback; a sip of Johnnie Walker Green will communicate more than I can express in words about this rich and rewarding category.
Eventually, Usher experimented with blending the stronger, more assertive single malt whiskies with the lighter fruitier grain whiskies to produce a blended whisky that had layers of flavor and nuance. The malt whiskies can create smoke, peat, brine and saltiness, even floral and herbal nuances, depending on where they are distilled. Like cognac and other world-class spirit categories, scotch speaks about the place where it was made. The grain whiskies, on the other hand, supply the fruit notes and mellow the overall attack of the alcohol.
Michael Jackson [sadly, Michael just passed away, not long before press], author of Whisky: The Definitive World Guide, wrote: “The notion that taking a selection of malts and mixing them with a selection of grain whiskies produces a drink that is somehow inferior is an erroneous one. A top blend is every bit as complex and rewarding as a single malt.”

The Growth of Blended Scotch
In the late 19th century, this new style of scotch whisky conquered the world thanks to the entrepreneurship of men like Dewars and James Buchanan. During this time, a phyloxera infestation in the vineyards caused a serious drop in the production of French brandy, creating an unexpected demand for this lighter style scotch. For the first time, makers began selling scotch whisky to London and, more importantly, to North America and around the world, opening a huge market for this local whisky from Scotland. Today, 90 percent of all scotch whisky sold is blended scotch.
Of the top five best-selling blended scotches worldwide, Johnnie Walker Red is number one and Johnnie Walker Black is number five. There are many important reasons for that success and I know a few at the top of the list: Clynelish, Talisker, Cardhu and Royal Lochnagar, single malt whiskies that make up the heart of the Johnnie Walker blended scotches. However, I must warn you: The Johnnie Walker blends are made from three separate grain whiskies and over three dozen malt whiskies, so don’t expect the distinctive Talisker nose—the rich, smoky, slightly herbal and heather notes—to jump out of the bottle. But the malt whiskies add to the complexity of the blend. Jackson describes the contribution of Clynelish to the Johnnie Walker blends as adding “…a rich mouth coating sexiness when mature. It gives a fantastic mouth feel to blends.”

New Barrels, New Flavor
Once scotch whisky became an international business and demand increased for storage barrels, the impact of the wood barrels on the whisky became a significant factor in its taste. The longer the whisky stayed in barrels the better it tasted. The English owned many of the sherry and port houses of Spain and Portugal and shipped the wines north in barrels to England and Scotland for bottling. Those barrels were then reused for storage of scotch whisky. The sherry barrels imparted a fruity nutty character to the whisky. Indeed, experts calculate that 70 percent of the flavor in the whisky is due to the years spent in oak barrels.
Eventually, as Spanish barrels became limited in supply and more sherry was bottled in Spain, the Scots looked to the United States for barrels. By law, American bourbon, rye and Tennessee whiskey has to be aged in new charred American white oak barrels, meaning that there are plenty of used barrels available for sale. Since many large spirit companies already owned brands on both sides of the Atlantic, and with the Scots being a thrifty lot, a brisk trade in used American whiskey barrels developed between the two countries.

Attached File(s)

•  2__here__s_lookin_at_you_kid.gif (22.32K)
  Number of downloads: 1