[FASTLARRY]

Subject: the "Bear Facts"


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of the University. They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a
bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,
preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and
has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into
the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing
to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed
my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle
a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Joe Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an
arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire
and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that
we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me. I began to speak in unkown tounges to him. I waved a big ole ugly snake in his face. When that did not work, I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him
and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became
as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising
The Lord."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital
bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks
up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."

Sing yo song Jimmy:

God’s own drunk
By: lord buckley
1974
Well, like I explained to y’all before I ain’t no drinkin’ man. I tried it once, and it got me highly irregular and I swore I’d never do it again. but I promised my brother-in-law that i’d
P and watch his still while he went into town to vote.

It was up there on the mountain where the map said it would be. friends let me tell you one thing though, it wadn’t no ordinary still. it stood up that mountainside like... like a huge golden op
R

God’s yellar moon was a’ shinin’ on the cool clear evenin’, god’s little lanterns just a’ twinklin’ on and off in the heavens and, like I explained to you once before, I ain’t no drinkin’ man, b
Emptation got the best of me, and I took a slash... (wshew!... woah...) that yellar whiskey runnin’ down my throat like honeydew vine water, and I took another slash. took another and another an
Ther. ’fore you knew it I’d downed one whole jug o’ that she-yit and commenced to get hot flashes.

Goosepimples was runnin’ up and down my body and a feelin’ came over me like, somethin’ I’d never experienced before, it’s like, like I was in love,

(why don’t we have a little love mike [utley])

In love for the first time, with anything that moved... animate, in-animate it didn’t matter. it’s like there’s a great neon sign flashin’ on and off in my brain sayin, jimmy buffett there
Reat day a comin’... ’cause I was drunk.

Now I wadn’t, uh, knee-crawlin’, slip-slidin’, reggy-youngin’, commode-huggin’ drunk, I was god’s own drunk, and a fearless man; and that’s when I first saw the bear.

He was a kodiak lookin’ fella ’bout 19 feet tall he rambled up over the hill ’spectin’ me to do one of two things: flip or fly, I didn’t do either one. it hung him up. he starts sniffin’ ’round
Dy tryin’ to smell fear, but he ain’t gonna smell no fear, ’cause I’m god’s own drunk and a fearless man. it hung him up. he looked me right in my eyes and my eyes was a lot redder than his was.
hUng him up.

So I approached him and I said, mr. bear, I love every hair on your 27 acre body. I know you got a lotta friends over there on the other side of the hill. there’s ole’ rear bear, tall bear
Ddy bear, kelly jair, relly bear, smelly the bear, smokey the bear, pokey the bear; I want you to go back over there tonight and tell ’em I’m feelin’ right. you tell ’em I love each and every on
’em like a brother and a sister; but if they give me any trouble tonight, I’m gonna run every god****ed one of ’em off the hill.

He took two steps backwards and didn’t know what to think. neither did i, but, being charitable and cautious, well ****, I approached him again. I said, mr. bear, you know in the eyes of t
Rd, we’re both beasts when it comes right down to it. so I want you to be my buddy, ’buddy bear.’ so I took ole’ buddy bear by his island sized paw and I led him over to the still. now he’
Sniffin’ around that thing ’cause he’s smellin’ somethin’ good. I gave him one of them jugs of honeydew vine water, he downed it upright, (looked like one of them **** bears in the circus sippin
Parilly in the moonlight.) I gave him another and another and another ’fore I knew it, he’d downed eight of ’em and commenced to do the bear dance. two sniffs, a snort, a fly, a turn
A grunt; and it was so simple like the jitterbug it plumb evaded me.

And we worked ourselves into a tumultuous uproar and i’s awful tired, went over to the hillside, and I laid down, went to sleep, slept for four hours, and dreamt me some tremulous dreams and whe
Oke up, oh, there was god’s yellar moon a’ shinin’ on the clear cool evenin’. and god’s little lanterns just a’ twinklin’ on and off in the heavens, and my buddy the bear was a’ missin’... yeah,
Want to know somethin’ else friends and neighbors, so was that still.

-- spoken:
That’s a take. wait, could uh.....you missed it?