[FASTLARRY]

Subject: A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED


A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the

plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant

explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted

to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.



Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man !

had noticed her as he walked by and coul d tell the lady was blind

because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front

of her throughout the entire flight.



He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the

pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are

in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and

stretch your >legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe

my dog would like to stretch his legs."



Picture this:



All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when

they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not

only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!



True story.... Have a great day and remember..

[GeorgeAllen]

Actually that is why airlines now hold you hostage on the plane on the tarmack. When they used to have problems they would come back to the gate and let you off to make a phone call but found out you were jumping flights and they were losing business. So now, they got you, they don't let you out.

[9BallroadPro]

Joseph Bartlo, the famous weather forecaster, golfer and billiard player
walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink
he noticed a jar nearly full of money sitting on the counter. When the
bartender came back, Joseph asked the bartender about the money. The
bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside."
Joseph was puzzled so he asked again, "What exactly is this money for?"
The bartender replied, "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays
there. He never moves or hollers or anything, and who ever can make
him holler gets this money." So Joseph finishes his beer and goes
outside to see the goat.

When Joseph came back in the goat is laughing so hard he can't stop.
The bartender asks how he did it, but Joseph won't answer. So Joseph
walks out of the bar with the money.

A week later Joseph Bartlo comes in and sees the same bartender. He
orders the same thing. This time he sees another jar stuffed full of
money. He askes the bartender what this money was for. The bartender
replies, "Well, ever since you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him
to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop
laughing gets the money." Just like last time, Joseph finishes his beer
and heads outside.

Well when he came back in, the goat was crying. The bartender was
wondering how he did it and Joseph replied, "A weather forecaster,
golfer and billiard player never lets out his secrets." He then took
the money and left.

About a week later Joseph came back and saw another jar full of money.
The jar is so full that money is spilling out of the top and into a
basket beneath it. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The
bartender replied, "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it.
First you made him laugh, then you made him cry and we want you to show
us how you did it." Joseph just sat there laughing while he reached for
the money. He says, "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was
bigger than his and to make him cry, I proved it to him and stuck it up
his arse."

--
BAAAAAAAD Bartlo.

)__)
(oo)
/-------/V
/ | ||
* ||U---||
^^ ^^

[FASTLARRY]

BUENOS DIAS!!!

JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MESICAN BYRUS.


SIN WE NO HABE NO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.


PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.

TANK JOU BEDY MUCH !!

MANUAL GARCIA

MESICAN HACKER

[FASTLARRY]

>>> Funeral Weather
>>> As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased
>>> was a
>>> little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to
>>> fussing at her
>>> poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than
>>> terminated, there was
>>> a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning
>>> bolt. The
>>> little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
>>> "Well, she's there."

[FASTLARRY]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[FASTLARRY]

WHAT'S ON THE "DESKTOP" ?


Costello wants to buy a computer:







You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT





ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.

COST ELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W"

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[FASTLARRY]

I’m not lucky at gambling. I went to the track with my good pal Harry Da Horse. He said, bet on a lucky horse which is always good luck. I bet on Lucky Dan in the first and when the gun went off, the bullet ricochets off of the top of the gate and killed my ride. Poor lucky Dan was not very lucky with me riding money on him; he caught one right between the eyes. I am telling ya, I get no respect…I have been on this losing streak since 1973. There is always this black cloud hanging over me.



Harry said to be a good gambler you have to allow your psychic abilities to come forth and we all have them and all you have to do is tap into them. Gamblers call them hunches. He said some can see the future. Harry said all day long I probed my mind and a single number kept coming up on the plane to Vegas, 17. I kept seeing it every where and when I got to the casino I went up to a roulette wheel knowing the worst number to bet on is 17 and most hits are on the top or bottom and not in the middle of the field. Da Horse said he put 20 on 17 and it hit paying 35 to 1. He took the $700, quit and slept on silk sheets that night. My days nut was made in 3 minutes he said.



So the next day I did the same thing and a single number kept coming up in my mind over and over, five, I was seeing 5 every where I looked. It was so strong I went out to the track the next day and put $500 on the fifth horse in the fifth race named fifty five and guess what:



He came in Fifth.

[FASTLARRY]

After a long over due dental checkup yo sarah went in and got the bad news, to restore her teeth it would be $9200. She gasped, for that kind of money I could get an eye lift, tummy tuck and one hell of a pair of new 38C hooter implants.

But what about your smile the denist asked.
You know nothing about men she said, If I do those 3 things, they wont be looking at my teeth, they will be doing all the smiling.

ba boom.

[ Edited by FASTLARRY on 2007/8/6 18:11 ]

[FASTLARRY]

A man arrived at the gates of heaven. I'm glad to be here, but I'm curious as to what hell looks like, he said.

I'll tell you what St Peter said, you can see hell before you enter heaven. He led the man to an elevator, ride to the very bottom. When the door opens, you'll see hell, but don't get out of the elevator.

An hour later the doors opened on a frozen wasteland. Peering through the blizzard, the man saw huge mountains of ice. Shivering he pushed for the button to heaven. When he walked through the pearly gates he said, I thought hell would be all fire and brimestone with the poor souls swimming in molten sulfer. But all I saw was snow and ice.

Snow and ice, huh? St Peter said, I guess the Arizona Cardinals finally won the Super Bowl.

[ Edited by FASTLARRY on 2007/8/6 18:12 ]

[FASTLARRY]

I got fixed up with this nice Catholic single girl by my aunt who told me she was real religious and went to mass every Sunday and confession every Friday and never at meat on Friday either.

I took her out and said, hey baby, lets head on down to studio 54, cut a rug and have a few drinks. Oh no she said, dancing and drinking in public, what would I tell my Sunday school class.

I handed her a LSMFT, and said, wanna smoke. She said, oh no, what would I tell my bible study group.

So I decided to dump this chick early but on the way home I spotted the dew drop inn motel which has a sign out side that said, water bed rentals by the hour.

So I figured, it don't hurt to ask, ya never know, so I whipped my 58 chevy into the lot and up to the front desk and said, what say we get a room.

Ok she said.

I said, but what will you tell the Sunday School class.

She said the same thing I always tell them. You don't have to drink or smoke to have a real good time.



[ Edited by FASTLARRY on 2007/8/6 18:13 ]

[FASTLARRY]

*Penguin Breakdown*
There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Pain Cause*
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

[FASTLARRY]

> Subject: Laugh of the Day.......
>
>
>>
>>>> Subject: Laugh of the Day.......
>>>>
>>>> NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE
>>>>
>>>> A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
>>>> game.
>>>> For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
>>>> commands.
>>>> When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the
>>>> National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients
>>>> complied by standing up.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in
>>>> their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer
>>>> Nuts".
>>>> They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a
>>>> particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor
>>>> yelled,
>>>> "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer
>>>> and a
>>>> hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was
>>>> a
>>>> riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
>>>> "What in
>>>> the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going
>>>> just
>>>> fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

[FASTLARRY]

Test for Dementia
B elow are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?



Let's find out just how clever you really are....













First Question:

You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?









Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?






Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?





Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.




Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?




Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, now check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe.




Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?








Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!



KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

[FASTLARRY]

Subject: Living Will
Last night, my wife Yo Sarah and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' Promise me now you will set me free.

She said, okie dokie FL.
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw my Johnny Walker Blue bottle out the window. Crash....
She's Such A Pain in the Butt sometimes ..
It's a wonder she is still alive? If she could not cook and screw like a mink, I would have killed her years ago.



[ Edited by FASTLARRY on 2007/9/3 15:34 ]

[FASTLARRY]

FL ASKS: Why, Why, Why,....


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses or new cars are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes th at something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[FASTLARRY]

Dat ole dawg spot, went and up and died on us?

Subject: Baptist Dinner for Eight


A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to
get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al
and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see
varmints eating them and they're OK. So - Janet decided to give it a try.

She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered
steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a
double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't
seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to
help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 &Mexican
dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had
happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will
call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll
give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will
be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs &the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema,
and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor
came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and
about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that
ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!

[FASTLARRY]

Subject: Cars' A/C --- hilarious


Here is something you car buffs probably didn't know. The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
Didn't know that, did ya...
On July 17th, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air- Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".

There, now ya know the whole story...

[FASTLARRY]

> > > THE BOTTLE OF WINE
> > >
> > > For all of us who are married, were married, wish
> > they were married, or
> > > wish they weren't married, this is something
> > to smile about the next
> > > time you see a bottle of
> > wine:
> > >
> > > Sally was driving home from one of her business
> > trips in Northern Arizona
> > > when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking
> > on the side of the road.
> > >
> > > As the trip was a long and quiet one, she
> > stopped the car and asked the
> > > Navajo woman if she would like a
> > ride.
> > >
> > > With a silent nod of thanks, the woman
> > got into the car.
> > >
> > > Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
> > a bit of small talk with
> > > the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat
> > silently, looking intently at
> > > everything she saw, studying every little detail,
> > until she noticed a
> > brown
> > > bag on the seat next to
> > Sally.
> > >
> > > "What in bag?" asked the old
> > woman.
> > >
> > > Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
> > a bottle of wine. I got
> > > it for my husband."
> > >
> > > The Navajo woman was silent for another
> > moment or two.
> > >
> > > Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
> > elder, she said:
> > >
> > > Ug "Good trade....."

[FASTLARRY]

Subject: No more FLu cover yo organ.










Here is the substitute for the flu shot.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and
had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to
all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed
him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with
tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of
water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he
could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would
tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."
If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away,, there
will be five fewer people smiling in the world.