FL's new rules for 2007:

FL's new rules for 2007:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: Biff, he's mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're
pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. We
only care about your tits and little else.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
That is what real men drink.

New Rule: Stop fooking with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis. Everyone knows no adult can take
off the child proof cap off of a bottle of medicine. When I want mine
off, I hand it to my kid. They all have it down cold.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," .ooh, you're a huge asshole and a definite peter puffer.
Your name is either Frazier or Niles.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy staring off into space half brain dead.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it actually translates "I am a stupid round eye looking for a big
dick." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two

New Rule, I don't want to take out a loan to go see a movie. Who's
idea was it to screw us with a $5 box of popcorn and a $3.50 coke that
costs them about 2 cents to dispense. Now I know where my teenagers
allowance has been going.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants!
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some ferrie freak with a fetish. If he is working there
is a damn sure bet he is a real pervert. I Don't want to be on your
webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. Not "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
All I really want you to do is shut the little fooker up, he is driving
me nuts.

New Rule, No kids in resturants. Did you ever hear of a baby sitter?
Keep your screaming rug rat ass holes home. Don't bring them to a
resturant and trash my dining experience because you are too cheap to
employ an out of work teenager in your hood. If you want to drag the
clan out, go to chuckey cheeze, give me a break.

PoolChat: FL's new rules for 2007: - PoolChat