[9BallroadPro]

JOKE IS IT HEAVEN OR IS IT HELL
5 pages, CR, fast larry Guninger, all rights reserved, published in the players magazine 11-94 and in other internet sites since then.

Harry Da Horse is a roadie playing a little $200 a rack 9 ball with Billy Joe Bob in the Dew Drop Inn at Jackson, Mississippi in the near future. We are going back in time here sports fans kinda like the movie, somewhere in time nobody could understand or figure out either. They are both drunk as skunks as Billy Joe Bob’s wife Mary Sue Thelma Louise keeps bringing over the Wild Turkey shots with a PBR to chase them down. The Horse drops the set 9 ball and walks over to the sweater and steak horse No Neck Nelson and says, that’s another thousand, hand me the cash. Let’s see, I am now up 4 dimes. Ya wanna go another set for anudder dime? It’s just like a night mare aint it No Neck, and it just keeps getting worse. And it aint gonna get no better. No Neck goes wild with anger and picks up a house cue and nails the horse right between the eyes.

The next thing Harry knows is he is at the pearly gates and St Peter is reading to him the book of his life. Booze, broads, drugs, gambling, hustles, cons, jail time, double dumping, lies, stealing cues, crawling out the back windows of hotels to avoid playing. St Peter with a sad look on his face says, Harry, we don’t have to read it all, I get the picture. We don’t really have to go on with this do we? Harry says yes we do, I want in da Joint.

St Peter said, but Harry, just read your own book. It is a lifetime wasted being a bum in a pool hall. You never married, had a family or children. All you ever did was take and prey on people who tried to be your pal. You never loved a woman. You just used and abused every one who tried to love you. Harry, you never served in the armed services, you don’t even have a social security card or ever even paid income taxes. You were just a leach on society.

Harry said, so let me into heaven and I won’t have to worry about running into any IRS people in there.

But Harry St Peter said, you never even went to church and for that I must turn you away. The only thing you ever prayed for was the 9 ball to fall and for you to be a better gambler or for some ho to say yes yes.

Wait a minute Bub said Harry, you never read me my rights. Where is da Miranda card and my mouth peace is already in heaven, Louie Da Lip. Bring him out so I can have proper representation and so I can plead da 5th.

Harry St Peter said, Miranda is our new bean counter and Louie did not make it in. He is down stairs. Harry, there are no lawyer’s or Politicians in heaven, hell has them all.

Harry said wait, I’ve got it. I wuz 10 years old and my dad had just got sent to da pen. I had collected the 25 G’s reward for turning him in and was now rather flush with lettuce for such a ripe young age. I just got kicked out of school which wuz great as I could not practice pool all day long. I am walking along on my way to the pool hall in da dead of da winter and this kid broke through the ice in the lake and he was going to drown. I jumped in the icy lake and pulled him to safety. I saved his life and ended up in the hospital with Pneumonia and almost died my self. Look it up, it’s in the book. You just did not dig deep enough to see my good deeds way back then.

St Peter said, Harry, that one act surely can not erase 50 years of total decadence and evil. Sure it can said Harry, check with your bigga boss JC and see. JC was strolling by with Buddha on his afternoon walk and over heard the conversation and said, SP, we want to be fair, let Harry in and give him the option. The Pearly gates swung wide open and the horse danced in and said, how sweet it is. Can I talk da talk and walk da walk or what?
Show me what dis joint has to offer?

SP said Harry we offer you now, the choice between Heaven or Hell. Take your time, tour both and choose wisely. Harry said lets see Heaven first. Where’s the bar and I wanna play some 9-ball. SP said, have the God of Billiards come out and escort Harry to the Billiards Parlor. This handsome elegant refined and limp wrist angel with white wings and a white robe comes out with his silver hair and harp in hand. The Horse say’s wait a minute bub, you aint da Gop, God of Pool, dat has to be Willie Hoppe. I know you. You are Bob Burnie, dee guy who wrote all does books. BB said, well Harry think of me like I am a door greeter. When you go into a super Wal-Mart, you get somebody like me. Sam Walton is not standing there to shake your hand for walking in the door is he? Willie is a little busy in a Balk line game with Maurice the Lion. I will be your guide for your tour.

They walked through the clouds and all you could see were a few old people strumming on golden harps. The Horse said this place is boring, nobody is here. You could shoot off a cannon down the middle of these clouds and not hit a single angel. It looks like the Baltimore BCA show, empty of customers. BB said Harry, if a crowd is what you like, hell is packed full with a waiting list to get in through purgatory. BB said Harry you were baptized a Baptist so you must stay in this section and only a few hundred of them made it up here. The joke around here is they are like Alley Cats, you know on Saturday nights they are out there doing the wild thing, you just can’t catch them at it.

We hear that Swaggart, Jim Baker and Tammy Faye are putting on some dazzling shows down under.
BB said we keep all the Catholics over on the South Beach, there are zillions of them and it’s packed. On the west bank we have the Muslims, 9 got in so far. On the North bank are the Jews and they are every where, condo’s, beach front sales going down for half prices, such a deal, such a deal is all you hear over there. Half prices off on all diamonds. Those smucks and putzs will drive you nuts. The Hindus we keep out of sight and the Native Americans we keep locked up on the reservation. BB said, Harry, some things never change do they?

Harry said, this place is Lilly white, you never integrated? BB said all the blacks are working as they now have all the soft good playing government jobs. You will see them. At 5:00 pm they will all be heading out to the watermelon patch. Harry said where are the Chinks? BB said they are all working in the laundries and dry cleaning stores. We have a large Asian population in Heaven. God lets all of his children who were good into heaven.

Harry said you have to work in heaven boobie? I don’t wanna work dude. I aint never worked a day in my life. Who are all these old fat white guys laying around on the clouds strumming dare harps?

BB said, oh they are retired. After a couple of millenniums you don’t have to work any more. We all must take a job to keep busy that was like what we did on Earth. You Harry will be assigned to the Billiard Parlor where you shall clean the tables and polish the Ivories. After a hundred years or so they will allow you to play a little on the side.

They arrived at the Billiard Parlor and into the joint they went. You would hear a pin drop it was so quiet. Give me a cig Harry asked BB, sorry, all of heaven is non smoking. Order me a boiler maker; I am falling into DT’s fast. Sorry, no booze in heaven BB said. Slide me some bennies so I can play a late session tonight and some coke would be cool too. BB said, no drugs in heaven. Then a little weed? BB said, there are no weeds in heaven, just beautiful flowers and the only one missing is the poppy. Give me a roll of quarters so I can fire up the juke box and get on the bar box. BB said, no juke box, no bowing alley, no bar, no pin ball machines, just billiards, this is Heaven mister.

Harry said, but I need a little hair of the dog. BB said, you will get over it. Harry said, those tables aint got no pockets and who are does guys, dey aint no pool players. BB said that is Jake Sr Playing Ives, next to them is Cochran playing Jake Jr. In the corner is Sang Lee playing Cuelemans. Oh look, Steylerts just finished up his game with De Oro and is now practicing his tickeys, piques and masses. Hoppe just took out Vignaux 500 to 312 and look, that SOB is now practicing to play safe. I hate that SOB. Harry said damn, calm down Bobbie, how did you get in here with that lousy attitude? BB said, the same way I got into the hall of fame, I bribed my way in here.
Sang Lee owed us 100K from past gambling debts and we let him off the hook and he cut some red tape that got me a free pass in. You know an insider deal. Like Wall Street operates. Oh hell Harry, any Catholic priest will sell you the same thing. They sold millions of free passes into heaven over the centuries. That is why the Catholic section is packed 9 deep.

Harry said I am a bar box player, I want action Bobbie. BB said, there are no bar boxes here, or pool Harry, just Billiards on 5x10’ tables with 2” slates. Bobbie now turns sticking his nose up into the air and letting his little pinkie drift into the wind with great Élan and tugs on his apricot ascot mumbling very low under his breath, pool players, outer barbarians.

Harry said Ok, if we can’t play no pool, lets mosey over to the house of the rising sun and rent us a couple of young tomatoes. Sorry Harry, BB said, no tomatoes, no sin here, just the joy of being a righteous person.

Ok Harry said, so where is da Casino, or da Dog track, the floating crap game, the poker game in the back room, any game will do, I need action fast. Sorry BB said, no gambling in heaven for goodness sake. Harry said, this heaven dump could drive me into a brain coma, how about a look and tour of hell. No problem BB said, their new demo DVD just arrived and we can sit down and watch it together.

On comes the infomercial and Kt is in his tux is being interviewed by Debra Li where Kt describes your new home in hell. Lovely desert heat with no sticky humidity and the land scape is just like Palm Springs, California where you will live. Upon arrival you step into the 30’ limo where two strippers are giving you a lap dance on the way to your new digs where you check into the 5 star casino and resort Hellacious Grand Gardens. You get all the chips you want to have to gamble to your hearts delight. Two gorgeous Vegas 20 year old show girls with great hooters are on your arms at all times and you’re every wish is their command. Yes Harry, they are ready and willing. The Dog and separate horse track is out back next to the boxing stadium. A heavy weight fight is on for 9 tonight between Dempsey and Joe Lewis. The main event is Tyson vs. Ali.

As a new Vip, you of course have ring side seats and all drinks are free for you at any bar. The deluxe buffet is open 24 hours and it’s also comped along with your room which we have you in the 12,000 sq ft Frank Sinatra suite. You just charge any thing you want to your room and you never have to pay the bill. You have your own bank of slot machines in your suite and you don’t have to put any money in them but they pay off real cash 50% of ever pull is a jackpot for you Harry.

Harry says, I’ve seen enough, fast forward to the pool section, Kt is saying here we are at the IPP grand ball room where daily the top 200 pros in the world are playing for 10 million a night with first place getting one million. Efren won 5 mil just last week here. In the practice room back of the ballroom there are 100 diamond 9’ tables with 860 tourney blue cloth and super pro aramiths, plus 100 bar boxes with Rashig balls and all the house cues are Balabushka’s. Every one is matching up here late at night. The gambling goes on until the rooster crows.

You can stay stoned 24/7, just go into the drug store and any drug you wish is on the house. There are barrels of coke, pot, speed, and any thing else you may like. Heroin, Morphine, Crack, Opium, Meth, just ask, we have it all in stock. Everybody is having a great time in hell. It’s New Years Eve 365 days a year.

Harry looks around and say My God, they are all playing for $1000 a game and there is ole black jack who can’t run 3 balls to save his soul and he’s beating all these bozos that can’t run 2 friggen balls. I’ll own the entire joint in less than a week. I can rob these bums drunk and half blind. Harry said stop the show, the hell with heaven Bobbie, give me hell and in a blinding flash and poof of smoke, Harry was gone.

Harry arrives in hell and gets picked up by Eric T Hu in a Rickshaw and he pulls Harry like a mule down to the motel 6. Harry checks in and finds the room with no tub and the shower only runs ice cold water. He has 2 thin towels with holes in them. Every thing in the room is broke or worn out. The AC is broke and its 125 degrees out side and none of the windows will open. Harry dials the phone because there is no toilet paper in the room and the front desk clerk is asleep and the phone just rings and rings.

A knock at the door and in walks this beast of burden. A double bag coyote who is 250 lbs of triple fat and ugly who says, Hi baby, I am your show girl and I am here to show you a good time. Harry gives her the chip 50 cent casino chip he got at check in and tell’s her to take a hike. He walks out back to the dog track and all the greyhounds are 12 yrs old and laying around asleep. The nags can only walk around the horse race track they are also too old to even trot.
Harry goes to the fight that night and its smorgie dukeing it out with the Hu Chariot driver and the bout is billed the 400 lb Whale vs. the mugging chink of doom. The bell rings and smorgie flops on Hu crushing him for the 10 count. The fight is over in 5 seconds

Harry in disgust heads to the bar and all they have is Panther piss at $10 a shot, two drinks minimum. Harry tries to sign it to his room and is told, cash only, in hell every one is COD. Harry heads to the Olympic pool and finds out it’s a rubber 6x6’ kiddy pool you fill up with a hose and it has a leak. He gets in and just as he is having fun some little brat steals his rubber ducky.

Harry then heads to the pool hall but on the way it’s so hot his cloths are beginning to smolder and fall off his body in rags. He has grown a forked tail and two little horns are now on his head. He holds his breath and into da joint he went.

Inside, he is shocked, nobody plays 9 ball, just 14.1 straight which is a game Harry knows little about. Every one there is running 75 to 100 every time they come up. The rack boy can run 50. It’s like a hustler’s convention with all of the old legends Harry’s heard about in the past. Omaha Fat, Rudy, Minnesota Fats, Jake Da Snake, Dirty Danny, Leapin Lizard, Ronnie Allen, Danny D, Daddy Warbucks, Whimpy, Boston Shorty, Kurt Da Kraut, Injun Joe, Champagne Eddy, Pete da Greek, Fast Eddy, Handsome Danny, Perry Da Predator, Turk Da Tattoo, No Nose Nick, Machine gun Mike, Evil Ed, Lucky Louie, Pete the mad dog torillo, Terry Da Terminator, Joliet Jake, Hollywood Hal, Las Vegas Vic, Society Max, Nicely Nicely, Sky Masterson, light fingers Louie, No thumbs nick, Sam da sham, chain saw Charlie, pretty boy Joe, Kansas city kid, Broadway bo, Doug da dump, Crazy Eddy, Vic da Viper, Same the Sausage, choke da cheese Charlie. Harry said, look, there is blind Willie, I once saw him run 19 straight racks of 9 ball one night.

Harry grabs a cue and finds out the minimum bet is $500 a ball and Harry’s playing a world champion who has ran 526 balls before. Every time the champ makes a ball a little demon sticks a pitch fork in Harry’s ass and he screams out in pain. Willie is on a 200 ball run and it doesn’t look like he is ever going to miss. Every time Harry gets stabbed in the butt all the rail birds bust out laughing.

How long does all this go on for Harry asks? Why for all eternity the little demon replied back. This can’t be Harry yelled, I want to see the man in charge here, I want to see the Devil him self, Lucifer is who I demand to talk to. There is a sonic boom, the room shakes and a poof of smoke and there is Kt in his splendid Tux with Deno Beno on his right side and Debra Li on his left side.

Harry said, your that infomercial con guy on TV, I want the Devil. Kt said, please to meet you, glad you finally guessed my real name. For what is troubling you is just the nature of my game. I am a man of wealth and taste and I run this hell on Earth. Harry said who are these two clowns with you. Kt said, on my right is my main stooge and gofer. He recruits the chicks for me and on the left is the Devils own ho. She is just a horny little devil. Total evil incarnate.

Harry said, where is the joint you promised on the DVD. Kt said, well that was just the demo promo to get you down here. You know how these Hollywood movies are. The movie is one thing, reality is another. We promise all pool players heaven and deliver to them hell. So I stretched a few facts, so sue me or what. This is what I do, con you, tell you what you want to hear, trap you and then you belong to me. Don’t you just love my voo doo, that only I do, so well. You gave up your soul to me Harry for just a few lousy years of being able to win at 9 ball. I bought you cheap. You I now own. You belong to me for all of eternity. You can try and check out of the motel 6 all you want to, but they are only programmed to receive. Once in hell Harry, you can never leave.

You are the Devil him self Harry asks Kt, I can’t believe it. It can’t be.

KT SMILES, and said, all of your life Harry you said you can’t hustle a hustler. It appears you were wrong, doesn’t it? Who’s yo Daddy Harry?


[ Edited by 9BallroadPro on 2006/11/16 11:46 ]