[FASTLARRY]

Subject: Old age





I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older tha n me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart?" the preac her exclaimed. "Why Walmart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.


---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!


--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

[FASTLARRY]

Subject: Perks




PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 or
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.



1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you???"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list!


And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

[FASTLARRY]

Subject: YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT(this is neat)



> YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
> Don't tell me your age; you probably
> would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!
>
>
> YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
>
>
> This is pretty neat.
>
> DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
> It takes less than a minute .
> Work this out as you read ...
> Be sure you don't read the bottom until
> you've worked it out!
> This is not one of those waste of time
> things, it's fun.
>
> 1. First of all, pick the number of
> times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
> (more than once but less than 10)
>
> 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to b
> e bold)
>
> 3. Add 5
>
>
>
>
> 4. Multiply it by 50
>
> 5. If you have already had your birthday
> this year add 1756 .
> If you haven't, add 1755.
>
>
>
> 6. Now subtract the four digit year that
> you were born.
>
>
> You should have a three digit number
>
>
> The first digit of this was your
> original number
> (I.e., how! Many times you want to go
> out to restaurants in a week.)
>
> The next two numbers are
>
> YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
>
> THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL
> EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

[Pelican]

But the alternative is kinda sucky too.