[FASTLARRY]

> HOW TO POOP AT WORK

> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to

> convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who

> hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump

> at work.

>

> CROP DUSTING:

> When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in

> your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came

> from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has

> been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left

> your pants.

>

> FLY BY:

> This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and

> check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

> come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

> become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

>

> ESCAPEE:

> This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

> forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave

> of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

> Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in

> the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

> uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

> parties feel uneasy.

>

> JAILBREAK:

> When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This

> is a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do

> not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to

> spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

>

> COURTESY FLUSH:

> The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.

> This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the

> bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

>

>

> WALK OF SHAME:

> Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

> stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone

> walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the

> smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with

> the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

>

> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

> This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will

> often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a

> newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the

> office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

>

> THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

> A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes

> off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

> whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

>

> SAFE HAVENS:

> A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom, somewhere in the building where

> you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the

> opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex

> entering the bathroom.

>

> TURD BURGLAR:

> This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries

> to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable

> moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,

> remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will

> avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

>

> CAMO-COUGH:

> A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you

> are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a

> WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very

> effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

>

> ASTAIRE:

> An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

> Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the

> stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

> immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

>

> WATERMELON:

> A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the

> toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

> Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

>

> HAVANA OMELET:

> A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet

> water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an

> Astaire.

>

> UNCLE TODD:

> An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

> This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror

> or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while

> on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is

> empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

>

> Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of

> life.